Except a little fish…

Tattoo By Cariann of Burning Heart Tattoo in Hamden, CT June 2021

“I was swimming in the Caribbean
Animals were hiding behind the rock
Except the little fish
Bump into me, swear he's
Tryin' a talk to me, say wait wait

Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Way out in the water
See it swimming”
-The Pixies, Where is my mind?

Fish, water, the ocean…all fundamental parts of who I am, where I’ve been and what resinates as some magical part of me. My inner child loves all this fish. Growing up my Uncle Ken bought me a goldfish for my 5th birthday. I aptly named it Goldie and loved to feed it those multicolored fish flakes. Visiting the ocean little me would become upset at the idea that Goldie wasn’t with her friends in the ocean. As I got older visiting the ocean became a saving grace, a way to continue to allow myself the be apart of the magical world that I would keep deep within me.

As I get old, when I’m having a hard time I listen to the Violent Femmes, Joan Jett, The Pixies and be reminded of that little inner child full of goldfish magic. As I move into the final stages of my medical transition, my personal transition, career growth and change, and the shedding of the toxic things I felt so desperate to hold onto I am reminded that the Pixies once said the little fish that said, “wait, wait”. So when I look at these goldfish, the extension of my inner child, my connection to ocean, to pisces energy and to all the deepest inner knowings and authenticities I will remember to breathe, wait and let my inner child guide.